Friday, February 23, 2007

A Very Sad Day

"Lord, I don't think I can take any more..."

That has basically been the extent of my prayer time today.

A few days ago, I read this, which stirred my heart and lead me here,
which troubled my heart greatly.

Then, this morning I read this,
which lead me here, which broke what was left of my heart.

To top it all off, today would have been the 2nd birthday of one of the three babies that I lost, and that breaks my heart in and of itself. And as I'm spanking my not quite two year old baby boy for climbing out of his bed when he's supposed to be napping...what I really want to be doing is holding him and rocking him in "our chair" and kissing the top of his little blonde head that still smells so good to me even though he's not really a baby anymore...but I know that if I don't spank him and put him back in bed, he will not learn that he needs to stay in bed for nap time, and he will begin to push many, many more rules. So, I give him a half-hearted little swat on his diaper, give him a whole-hearted hug and a kiss, tell him one more time that it is nap time and he must stay in the bed, and I walk painfully out of his room.

Then, as I often do on these lost birthdays, I pull out the book that my dear neighbor, who has had two miscarriages of her own and grieves with me over mine, passed on to me after my first loss. And I read these words...

Are the Mother--
the guardian of
your baby's memory.
Your heart will hold onto
that memory forever
and keep it in a special place
for you to visit."

...and on the next page...

"Even though I didn't carry you
long enough to bury you,
you have a very special
resting place in my heart.
I visit you there often."

And that is a my truth today.

So, today I will pray for Amy...and Ethan...and I will take my four most beautiful children to the park to release balloons up to heaven because Jonathan thinks the baby would want balloons on his/her birthday, and I think he's right, and I think it's a nice tradition for us to do on each of our lost babies due dates. And hopefully, I will stop crying at some point and just enjoy all that I have been given, and thank God that the four children He did entrust me with are all healthy and strong and that they have healthy parents to be here to love them and spank them when they climb out of their little cribs.

"Thank you Lord for my blessings...again, I don't think I can take much more!"

Thanks for stopping by.


Barb said...

Hi Melody,

My heart is broken for Amy. I've followed her story almost since she was diagnosed last year and how I've prayed for her! We so hoped the bone marrow transplant would give her hope. It's so hard to know it failed. I almost can't bear to think how sad she is that she is going to leave her little baby motherless.

And now Ethan. I didn't know about Ethan.

I look at my little grandson and how healthy he is and I know I am so blessed.

I'm sorry about the sadness of this day for you. I never lost a baby and again, I know I'm blessed.

So much sadness. So we continue to pray. That's all we can do.

RealEstateGirl said...

It hurt my heart to read this post from you. My heart goes out to you and know that I said a prayer for you. My father just died 3 months ago and I'm not even comparing that to what you've experienced, but I want to tell you this, someone told me when I said I can't stop crying when I think about him and why can't I just get over this?...they said this, "you will NEVER get over this, you'll just learn to live with it." So allow yourself to cry and grieve, whenever your heart feels like it...and know that you have friends, that you've never met face-to-face that are here for you...any time.

RealEstateGirl said...

Hope you don't mind, but I added you as a link on my blog so I could keep up with you better!